Asking for a Friend: Help! How do I come out to my parents as genderfluid?

However, I’m nervous about coming out to my family. I’m worried they might not understand or be accepting. They might tell me it’s “not real” or say it is just a phase. The worst-case scenario I fear is them completely shutting me out. I’d really appreciate some advice on how to come out to them safely and what to do if they don’t react well.

Sincerely, Nervous

Dear Nervous,

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help, and we’re glad you did. It must be very scary to fear being shut out when you only want to tell your family who you are. This is a vulnerable step that must be done in a way that makes you feel safe.

We are happy that your friends will be supportive. What about your friends’ behaviour makes you feel it is safe to tell them? Did they say things that made you feel like they were LGBTQ allies?

Typically, those friends are open to discussing gender and sexuality without shame. They might have already shown or said things that made you feel they are supportive of gender fluidity.

When it comes to your parents, can you think of a time they made comments to show they are progressive and open-minded? We hope your answer is yes.

However, if your answer is no, then think about which of your parents you usually confide in. What makes you choose that parent? Are they calmer and more willing to listen and help you solve your problems? If so, that is the parent you may want to consider having this chat with first.

Parents might indeed say dismissive things like “This is a phase” or “You’re just exploring; you don’t really know yet”. However, as you said, you’ve been thinking about this since you were young. Hearing these dismissive comments can hurt and make you feel unheard and invalidated.

Parents can have some degree of prejudice, and they may say things because they don’t really understand or have not accepted something yet.

This does not mean it is OK for them to react this way. Them saying, “This is just a phase,” might be a way for them to avoid coming to terms with who they wanted you to be. It has nothing to do with you and more to do with them.

Parents may say they want what is “best” for their child, and “best” could mean a life with the fewest obstacles.

My mum is OK with me being gay, but she doesn’t want me to tell my sister. What should I do?

It may be true that a person who identifies as genderfluid could have more challenges in life because of the society we live in.

However, parents want a connection with their children more than anything. After the initial shock, if there is one, parents often will say that they love their child no matter what. This does not mean they won’t make mistakes or show homophobic behaviour; it just means they are on the journey with you.

Perhaps you could try talking to a trusted relative, like an aunt, uncle or older cousin, and see what they think. This relative could also support you through the conversation with your parents.

Since you said you have been unsure about your gender identity since you were young, it’s possible your parents have already noticed your uncertainty and mentioned it to this relative. They could be waiting for you to share.

If you have a strong sense that your parents will shut you out, you may need to create a safety plan if you tell them.

A safety plan includes making arrangements with a friend for you to stay over if a conflict happens at home. If you are this worried, you might want to consult a family therapist to help you share this information. A family therapist will be able to help talk to your parents to see if it is safe for you to share.

This is not easy to do alone! We are glad you reached out.

Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend

This question was answered by Katie Leung Pui-yan, a practising child and family therapist and partner at Therapy Partners.