Asking for a Friend: Help! My dad gets upset when I buy too many things. How do I stop overspending?
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Dear Friend,
My father gets upset with me when I buy things. I admit that I buy way too many things, but this is because I was bullied as a child for not being rich even though we are middle class. I don’t know how to stop spending so much money. I don’t want to make my dad angry. What should I do?
Signed, Big Spender
Dear Spender,
We are truly sorry to hear about your experience of being bullied. We also value your self-reflection, the way you can admit to your overspending problem and your desire to find ways to fix it. We hope these tips can help:
Examine your reasons for spending
According to your letter, shopping seems to be your usual way of dealing with your emotional suffering after being bullied.
Write down your train of thought when you want to buy something. Why do you want to buy it? How do you think it will make you feel? What is at the root of your desire to buy the item – do you really want it, or do you want to get rid of a feeling of insecurity? Understanding your impulse to buy can help you develop other ways to cope and give you more self-control over the situation.
Learn to manage negative feelings
Positive experiences and emotions can help with distress.
Healthy and enjoyable hobbies like listening to cheerful music, playing sports and spending time with friends are helpful for most people. Set aside 30 minutes each day for a relaxing activity, or schedule a weekly meetup with friends.
Practise relaxation exercises like deep breathing and mindfulness. Adding these activities to your routine can help you develop healthier coping strategies for emotional comfort and stress relief without relying solely on buying unnecessary items.
Track your spending
If you want more control over your spending, keep daily spending records to track your expenses. After a few weeks, review your spending pattern and identify items you regard as unnecessary. You can discuss your plan with your father to get his advice and support. You can then review your progress with him later to assess how well you’ve been sticking to your goals. This shows him that you are listening to him and taking his concerns seriously.
Take time to adjust
Breaking bad habits and building new coping methods takes time and effort. Setbacks are expected, so be patient and kind to yourself. In case things get tough, for example, if your excessive spending or past bad experiences keep bothering you, talk to someone you trust and get their support. People do not always need to deal with problems alone. Remember, two heads are better than one.
Broaden your mindset
When it comes to being bullied for not being rich, remember not to put too much emphasis on your financial status, as this narrows your perspective of yourself. Adopting a more well-rounded outlook on life can broaden how we view ourselves and others.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
If you are looking for further information or someone to talk to, check out these links:
EDB Educational Multimedia (financial education animated video series)
This question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.