Asking for a Friend: Help! My relatives won’t stop pestering me at family reunions
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They might be doing it out of concern or they might be nosy – either way, you shouldn’t have to feel pressured to answer all your relatives’ personal questions. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I do not enjoy seeing my extended relatives during Lunar New Year because they love asking me very personal questions about school and my future. My parents scolded me last year for ignoring them. How can I avoid answering intrusive questions this year without coming across as rude?
Signed, Bothered
Help! I’m scared of speaking up in class
Dear Bothered,
It sounds like your boundaries are being crossed. Boundaries are lines we draw to separate our personal space from intruders, protecting us emotionally and physically. When this line is crossed, but you cannot fight back, it will leave you frustrated, irritated and even helpless.
Why do people ask these questions?
It might come from a genuine place of wanting to know how you are and how your life has been going. It could be your relatives’ way of creating and maintaining family connections. Others might be using it to initiate conversation – small talk – to avoid awkward silences. And some might think it’s tradition, a regular thing to do at a family gathering. With all of this in mind, it might be easier to understand why your parents get upset when you ignore your relatives. It is also considered rude in most cultures not to answer your elders.
Maintaining a boundary
This does not mean you have to give up your boundaries. Try giving non-specific responses, focusing on simple factual statements and leaving things vague. You could say: “I’m looking at different options right now and don’t have anything specific in mind”, or “I am in Year 8 right now and am preparing for Year 9”.
Flip the script
If someone is trying to express care for you via a question, thank them and ask one in return. That way, you can redirect the conversation and shift the attention to them or their children. You could say, “How about [their child]?” “What did you do when you were my age?” or “What are your plans for the Lunar New Year?”. When they finish answering, ask follow-up questions or make an excuse to leave and do something else.
Setting a boundary
If a relative keeps pushing, it is OK to set a boundary – politely. You could say, “This question is a little complicated, and I don’t think this is the right time to discuss it. I will share my answer with you once I have figured it out.” You could even say, “Thanks for asking, but I want to keep it to myself for now.”
I hope this helps you maintain your boundaries and privacy while staying respectful and present during your next family gathering.
Best of luck, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by San Hung, a registered counselling psychologist and secondary school counsellor.