Asking for a Friend: Help! My parents punish me when my older brother does something wrong
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a student who says their parents scold them when their sibling misbehaves
It’s not fair for your parents to punish you when you haven’t done anything wrong. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I am 13 years old, and my brother is 17. My parents always scold me, and I get into trouble when he yells at me or hits me, even when I haven’t done anything wrong. How do I stop this?
Sincerely, Scolded
Dear Scolded,
First, we want you to know that your situation calls for concern and sympathy from others. It is not easy to go through what you are experiencing, and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, especially by your family.
Remember that it is not your responsibility to “stop” them from hurting you or treating you unfairly. This burden should not fall on your shoulders alone. Instead, we encourage you to reach out to a trustworthy adult, such as a school counsellor or teacher, who can help you devise the best course of action to address your complicated family situation.
Help! My sister is so mean, but my mum doesn’t believe me. What should I do?
We commend you for wanting to protect yourself and demanding justice. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself. Try to communicate with your parents about your feelings. They need to understand how their actions affect you. They should also know the full extent of your older brother’s verbal and physical aggression. His behaviour is out of line, and your parents are responsible for ensuring your safety.
When your parents scold you for no reason, you can ask them to explain what you have done wrong without scolding and let them know that you are open to having a calm conversation. It is essential to approach these discussions with a willingness to listen and understand each other’s perspectives.
In the meantime, protect yourself from your older brother’s emotional and physical threats. Leave the house or lock the door of your room when you feel unsafe. Prioritise your safety above all else.
When you feel threatened, you can also respond with assertive statements such as: “It is not OK for you to hit me or get physical with me”. However, always make sure you are in a safe situation when attempting to communicate with him.
My parents fight all the time, and I don’t know how to help my mum
Remember, this should not happen to you, and your family must work together to resolve the situation for the better. No one should ever feel threatened and pushed into a corner like this.
If the situation does not improve despite your best efforts, reach out to someone who can take action in real life. They can be your teachers, social workers, or school counsellors. Let them know if you are experiencing anxiety or sadness that affects your well-being and school work.
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by James Yu, a clinical psychologist and associate professor at Hang Seng University of Hong Kong.