Asking for a Friend: Help! My friend is being ostracised at school. What should I do?

Signed, Scared

Help! I have a panic attack every time I see my former bullies. What should I do?

We are sorry to hear about your friend’s experience. It sounds like he is being excluded and even bullied, which can all cause significant harm to a person’s well-being.

It is entirely normal for you to feel scared. We understand your concern for your friend and the struggle between prioritising personal safety and maintaining your friendship.

You have not shared any information about why your friend is being ostracised. If it is because he hurt someone else, it might be good to talk to him and help him understand the pain he has caused and how to make amends.

But if your friend is being ostracised for being different or doing what is right, then you should support him.

The unfortunate reality is that if you give in to bullying, you could end up risking your personal safety and your friendship. Taking a stand against bullying is crucial to safeguarding your well-being and relationships.

A few other classmates might feel conflicted in the same way you do, so if you take a stand by continuing to be friends with him, you might find allies. Then, you could build a support system for your pal.

Here are some things you can do to support your friend and remind them that someone is on their side:

Help! My mother neglects and criticises me. How do I ask her to treat me better?

Let your friend know that you care and understand the situation. Reach out by calling or messaging them, sitting with them during lunch or any other method that feels comfortable.

A person who is being socially excluded is likely to feel lonely, depressed and anxious. Listening to your friend’s feelings can make a significant difference. Let your friend know he is not alone.

If you are worried about being targeted for spending time with your ostracised friend, it will feel a lot less scary with another friend or two by your side.

Try talking to your classmates privately to see if anyone else disagrees with what is happening. You could say, “I feel terrible about what’s happening to (friend). Do you feel like this, too?” Gauge whether others want to support your ostracised friend.

No one should be bullied. Try sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted individuals, like your classmates, parents, teachers in your school or social workers.

Telling adults, especially those in official positions, is one of the most effective ways to handle bullying. They can provide valuable advice, resources, and support to help navigate difficult situations effectively.

All students deserve the freedom to learn in a supportive environment. While addressing bullying is definitely challenging, seeking help and showing your friend you care is key to navigating this difficult situation.

Sending you luck, Friend of a Friend

If you want to learn more or need further help, here are some links:

• Open Up (24-hour chat room)

• YouthCan: The effects of bullying on the bullied, bystanders and bullies

• YouthCan: Don’t ignore bullying behaviours, stop them immediately!

This question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.