Asking for a Friend: Help! I don’t want to talk about my feelings, but I feel so lonely. What should I do?

Sincerely, Bottled Up

Help! I am too shy to share my feelings. How can I learn to open up?

Dear Bottled,

You seem ambivalent about sharing your feelings with others, especially your parents. On the one hand, you are unwilling to talk about your emotions, but on the other hand, you feel helpless and lonely in times of difficulty.

It can certainly be challenging to talk about your feelings, even with your closest, most beloved family members and friends. It can make you feel vulnerable and nervous about how people will react.

But telling others about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences is a form of self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is a way to let people understand you. Understanding each other is crucial for building trust, fostering communication, and strengthening bonds in relationships.

Basically, in order to build strong relationships, you need to get a little vulnerable. It’s scary, and there is always the possibility of getting hurt, but without taking the risk, you could be left feeling isolated and lonely.

In addition, suppressing your feelings can also impact your physical, mental and social health. Physically, you can develop symptoms like muscle tension or fatigue. Mentally, you could experience heightened emotional distress, anxiety, and depression. Socially, suppressing your emotions could make you deny your feelings, avoid communication, and distrust others. In short, keeping your emotions bottled up inside you doesn’t feel very good, and the longer you do it, the more alone you can feel.

It could be helpful to identify the underlying reason for your need to suppress your emotions. Maybe you think it is part of being independent or self-reliant, or you’re afraid of being judged. Have you had any negative experiences with sharing your feelings in the past that could have contributed to your fear of opening up?

I feel so alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. What can I do?

No one person is truly independent; as people, we need support from other people. It’s nothing to be ashamed about; it’s just human nature! Don’t be afraid to seek support from trusted individuals; your parents could be a good start. From what you have said, they care about you and want to know what is happening in your life. Try opening up to them. It may feel good and a little less lonely. Having people to confide in provides emotional support and an outlet for self-expression, which is good for your well-being.

Please do not hesitate to consult a professional who could help you identify the underlying feelings or unfulfilled psychological needs that hinder your expression. A professional could teach you how to reveal your thoughts and feelings in a way that makes you feel secure and enhances your trust in others. They could also help you improve your communication skills, which strengthen relationships, enhance social support, and reduce feelings of loneliness.

Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend

This question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.