Hong Kong therapist explains why saying ‘I don’t care’ can hurt relationships
- People may use the phrase as a shield to protect themselves or as a means of surrender, but it can lead to frustration and hurt feelings
- Every week, Talking Points provides an easy-to-read story with worksheets to test your comprehension
Be careful what you say in the heat of an argument; there are some things you can’t take back! Photo: ShutterstockReflect: Describe a time when you said “I don’t care” to a teacher, friend or parent.
Here’s a situation that might sound familiar. In the middle of an argument with your parents, you shout: “I don’t care!” The conversation stops as you stomp out of the room in anger.
But is there a better way to show our feelings? Katie Leung Pui-yan is a therapist at Therapy Partners in Hong Kong. She explains why saying “I don’t care” hurts our relationships. She also tells us how to express our emotions in a better way.
Big little words
“The meaning of these three words depends on the context,” Leung said. In a therapy session, she might be asking a client about their hopes for the future. If the client says “I don’t care”, it could mean the client is overwhelmed. They might be trying to avoid the topic.
In other situations, the person might say “I don’t care” because they are ashamed of their actions and want to give up. Other times, they might have thought about the topic and really are uninterested.
“This phrase is an easy, quick stop to the conversation. It may get you what you want for now – which is to stop talking about a particular topic. But this hardly solves the problem,” Leung said.Verbal shield
What pushes a person to say these three words? According to Leung, “I don’t care” can be an emotional shield that protects us from having to take action.
But this can worsen our relationships: “For the person who hears it, it can feel like rejection and that you have given up,” Leung said.
“On the flip side, if you are worried about a friend, hearing ‘I don’t care’ shuts down the conversation,” she said.
This forces the listener to guess what is wrong; this can be very frustrating. The therapist noted that the listener might end up telling the speaker “why they should [care] instead of probing to find out what’s actually bothering them”. “You can see how a relationship might end up on a downward spiral.”
Better alternatives
Instead of saying “I don’t care”, Leung suggested explaining how we feel. We can use a phrase like “You’re really stressing me out” to tell the other person to leave us alone.
We can also say, “I’ll get back to you later when I’ve sorted out my thoughts.” This shows the listener that we understand their concern but need time to process our feelings.
The phrase “I don’t care” has a lot of meaning. Leung said, “Only say that you don’t care when you mean it.”
To test your understanding of this story, download our printable worksheet or answer the questions in the quiz below.
context 脈絡
to in a way that causes harm
probing 追問
continuing to ask for information in order to understand
downward spiral 惡性循環
a situation that gets worse
sorted out 整理好
to deal with or try to understand something complicated