Asking for a Friend: Help! My mother neglects and criticises me. How do I ask her to treat me better?
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Dear Friend,
My mum neglects me and only focuses on my younger brother and sister. She tells me I am stupid or wrong and restricts what I can see and do. I feel like a caged bird with no freedom. What can I do to improve the situation?
Signed, Caged and Neglected
Help! My parents take their anger with each other out on me. How can I deal with this?
Dear Caged,
I am really sorry to hear you have been feeling neglected and restricted. Your feelings are valid, and it is OK to seek help and support. Here are some steps you can consider taking:
Communicate your feelings
Try to have an open and honest conversation with your mother. Use “I” statements to express your feelings to avoid sounding accusatory.
For example, you could say, “I feel like my opinions are dismissed, which hurts my feelings and makes me feel neglected.” You can also try saying, “I feel like I don’t get the same attention as my siblings, and that makes me feel unimportant.”
Seek mutual understanding
Sometimes, your parents may not realise the impact of their actions. Ask for your mother’s perspective and explain yours so that you can understand one another.
Set boundaries
It is essential to establish boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Politely but firmly communicate what behaviour hurts you and needs to change.
Find support
Talk to someone you trust about what you are experiencing. This person could be another family member, a teacher, a counsellor or a friend. Having a support system can make a big difference.
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Self-care
Focus on activities that help you de-stress and feel good about yourself. This could be a hobby, exercise or spending time with friends.
Keeping a journal can help you process your emotions and reflect on your experiences. It can also serve as a record that will be useful if you decide to seek professional help later on, such as from a school counsellor or social worker.
Read educational resources
Reading books or articles on communication and family dynamics can give you additional tools and perspectives.
Focus on your strengths
Remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments. It is crucial to build up your self-esteem and not let negative comments define your self-worth.
Patience and persistence
Changing family dynamics can take time. Be patient with yourself and your mother as you work towards improving your relationship.
Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. If the situation feels overwhelming or unsafe, immediately contact a professional for guidance. You are not alone, and there are people who can help you navigate this challenging time.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist and the director of Therapy & Counselling at The Jadis Blurton Family Development Center and the founder of Your Relationship Clinic.