Asking for a Friend: Help! I told my mum about my problems, and she betrayed my trust. What should I do?
- We help a student who told her mother about her issues in confidence, only to have her email her teacher about the issue
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Dear Friend,
I recently told my mum about some problems I was having with my friends. She said she wouldn’t tell anyone, but I found out she emailed my teacher about it. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone without them betraying my trust. I need help.
Sincerely, Betrayed
Dear Betrayed,
This is an upsetting situation that involves many complicated feelings. It sounds like you’ve been struggling with these issues for some time, and it probably wasn’t easy to talk to your mother about them.
You trusted her and believed she would understand and support you. And you did not expect her to break her promise and tell your teachers. We imagine you feel shocked, confused, disappointed, and betrayed. It would be helpful to speak with your mom directly. Make an effort to listen to her thoughts, reasons, and feelings, too.
Hearing your mom’s perspective may help lessen the hurt and betrayal and rebuild trust. Here are a few suggestions to help you navigate this situation:
Express your feelings
Talk to your mom about how her actions made you feel. Explain that you trusted her with your concerns and feel betrayed by her decision to share them without your consent. Open and honest communication can help clarify the situation and potentially mend any misunderstandings.
Seek support from someone you trust
It might feel like you can’t trust anyone, but is there someone else in your life who has shown kindness and trustworthiness at other times? While this experience has made you feel wary of confiding in others, having a support system is essential. Identify someone you trust and feel comfortable talking to, such as another family member, a close friend, or a counsellor at your school. Sharing your feelings and concerns with a supportive individual can give you the emotional support you need.
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Set boundaries
After discussing your feelings with your mom, consider establishing clear boundaries about what you expect regarding privacy. Let her know how important it is for you to choose when and with whom you share your personal matters. Having an open conversation about boundaries can prevent similar situations from occurring in the future.
Reflect on the situation
It’s worth reflecting on why your mom might have shared the information with your teacher. While her actions may have felt like a betrayal, she might have believed it was the best way to address your problems. Try to understand her perspective; this could facilitate a more constructive conversation.
Involve a mediator, if necessary
If you find it challenging to communicate effectively with your mom or resolve the issue on your own, consider involving a mediator. This could be a trusted family member, a teacher, or a school counsellor who can help facilitate a conversation between the two of you.
Remember, trust can be rebuilt over time with open and honest communication. It’s important to surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect your boundaries.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by San Hung, a registered counselling psychologist (HKPS) in private practice in Hong Kong.