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Jenny Lau

So you and your beau have been dating for a while. You’ve met each other’s besties and been given the thumbs-up.
The apps have been deleted and you’ve soft-launched the relationship status in an Instagram story. There’s a set of your things at their place.
You went on your first holiday together and didn’t murder each other. You may even have said the L-word by now.
But there’s one final hurdle that will test the compatibility of your relationship: meeting and eating with the family. Oh, and the wild card? You’re Chinese, your beau is not.

“Are the White Husbands invited?” My Chinese girlfriends like to share this private joke in our WhatsApp group every time we plan to meet up.
To clarify: “White Husband”, in my eyes, is a demographic that includes White Boyfriends, White Girlfriends and any type of serious partner who is not Chinese.
The real subtext of the question is that if the White Husbands are coming, we regrettably won’t get to eat the foods that we really want to eat.
Should you wish to ingratiate yourself into your Chinese partner’s family, read this advice carefully, for the dining table will be the true test of your relationship …

It’s been known for my friends and I to uninvite them, just so we can eat our kimchi and durian in our safe, judgment-free space.
And even though I don’t have a White Husband any more, it got me thinking: as people who are so particular about our food, how do we work through the dietary clashes that come with entering a multicultural relationship?
So heed ye, all potential White Husbands! Should you wish to ingratiate yourself into your Chinese partner’s family, read this advice carefully, for the dining table will be the true test of your relationship …
I started my research by asking my British Chinese friends what their multicultural-relationship deal-breakers were.
The same grievances came back to me, such as a new partner’s insistence on ordering their own dish rather than eating family style, or being fussy about trying different foods.

If there is one dish on the table that seems to cause the most anxiety, it would without a doubt be a whole steamed fish.
This is made all the more emotionally significant by the fact that this is “fancy” Chinese home-cooked fare, meaning that someone’s mother (typically) has gone to the market that day to choose the biggest, freshest snapper or sea bream she can afford.
My friend Y fumed as she recounted how her husband who – when the fish head was swivelled towards him, in the customary gesture of respect to the guest of honour – could not swallow anything more than rice and vegetables for the duration of the meal.
I am sympathetic to those who never grew up learning to appreciate a whole fish – eyeballs, gills and all – let alone navigate it with a pair of chopsticks, but I also understand how this touched a nerve for Y.
Alcohol is another grey area. While Westerners might think nothing of downing a few beers or glasses of wine with their dinner, it is still considered off-limits at the Chinese family meal, especially in the presence of the more conservative older generation.
I do think there are few things sadder in a relationship than not being able to enjoy the same food, or at least not having matching appetites

It would not hurt to observe what others are drinking, and to only accept booze if it’s offered. If in doubt, drink tea.
On the flip side, my friend S recounted how her British boyfriend won over her intimidating father – an ex-narcotics police officer, of all things – by going on an all-night baijiu bender in Beijing with him, despite neither of them speaking the other’s language.
Some of my friends felt alienated by their partners’ attitudes to their food customs.
These attitudes could be as innocuous as bemusement about the obsession with not just eating food, but talking about eating food – to the point that you might be enjoying one delicious meal while planning the next – and as upsetting as calling certain food preferences weird or gross.
I do think there are few things sadder in a relationship than not being able to enjoy the same food, or at least not having matching appetites.

There will always be compromise, but I’ve heard of people changing their diets for their partners to the point of feeling like they are suffering a slow, self-inflicted cultural death.
It’s when children enter the equation that I see my friends reinvigorated to fight their corner, hoping to instil an appreciation for Chinese food in their mixed-race kids.
I was heartened to hear of more triumphs than horror stories. White Boyfriends, you’re in luck; the bar is pretty low for you guys.
Apparently all you need do to impress the Chinese parents is to use chopsticks correctly, learn a few Chinese phrases of appreciation and train your stomach to be a bottomless compost bin.
I have heard hilarious anecdotes about White Boyfriends valiantly working their way through plates that seemed to magically reload themselves. “Freshman 15” – a term that references weight gain during a student’s first year at university – has nothing on dating a Chinese girl.
It’s not just that food is particularly important to Chinese culture, rather that the dining table is a theatre for past, present and potential familial relationships to play out

For extra brownie points, my friend H taught her husband to eat chicken meat clean off the bone, signalling to her parents that he had both epicurean and frugal sensibilities.
The same standards don’t apply to White Girlfriends, though, who apparently harbour a masochistic death wish for attempting to date a Chinese mother’s precious baby boy.
According to my friend B, by their second month of dating, his German girlfriend had been subjected to merciless interrogation about her childbearing plans.
Her physical health became a matter of communal concern among the interfering aunties; she eventually proved her credentials by learning to boil her mother-in-law’s tonic soups.
At the end of the day, the White Husbands might ask, “Why do we need to get it right when eating with family?” It’s not just that food is particularly important to Chinese culture, rather that the dining table is a theatre for past, present and potential familial relationships to play out.

Mastering the etiquette and doublespeak of Chinese food customs can seem as impossible to code-break as the language itself.
Just as birds of paradise circle each other in an elaborate song and dance, a shared meal is an exercise for both parties in “face”: one in which you maintain yours while giving prestige to the family whose daughter or son you are trying to woo.
It’s a chance to prove that you are worthy of being in the family.
With that in mind, these are my final tips for all the White Husbands hoping for a harmonious relationship over food.
If there is an absence of shared language, you must speak with actions. Be deferential. Serve elders, children and your partner before yourself. Don’t take too much, but also don’t refuse food.
A gift of well-selected fruit is always considered a thoughtful gesture

Don’t yuck anyone’s yum. Compliment your in-laws profusely on the dish you love the most, but be warned: they will cook it for you repeatedly until you can’t stand the sight of it any more.
Never show up to any gathering empty-handed, even if you assume you’re going to be footing the bill (it’s not unusual for fisticuffs to erupt over paying, but at the same time I would not advise punching your future father-in-law).
In our culture, we keep the metaphorical receipts; imagine a mental accounts book that tallies the ongoing exchanges of hospitality. A gift of well-selected fruit is always considered a thoughtful gesture.
If all else fails, learn from my proudest achievement: teaching my White Husband to call restaurants a day ahead to put down his credit card.


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Food and Drinks

Chinese family dinner 101: non-Chinese partners, here’s how to avoid offending the in-laws

Steamed fish head with chopped hot red peppers. Photo: Shutterstock

Family dinners can be a minefield for the non-Chinese partner in a relationship.  Photo: Getty Images

How do families work through the dietary clashes that come with entering a multicultural relationship? Photo: Shutterstock

Steamed fish heads with chopped hot red peppers. This can seem intimidating to someone who is not used to “fancy” Chinese home-cooked fare. Photo: Shutterstock

In Chinese culture, cooking a whole steamed fish for a guest and offering them the head is considered to be bestowing them with the greatest honour. Photo: Jenny Lau

Apparently all White Boyfriends need do to impress Chinese parents is to use chopsticks correctly, learn a few phrases of appreciation and train their stomachs to be bottomless bins. Photo: Shutterstock

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Natto is a cat the writer named after the sticky fermented soybeans because of the pattern on her belly. Photo: Charmaine Mok

Natto stirred into pasta in a recipe from Naoko Natsumi. Photo: Instagram/@natsumame_

Eric Räty at Arbor. He is often inspired by Japanese ingredients and techniques. Last year, he added a natto dessert to the menu. Photo: Arbor

A natto-infused sauce is used in Arbor’s fish main course. Photo: Arbor

Ice cream made with toasted natto and oat milk at Arbor. Photo: Arbor

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Sonam Uttamchandani envisioned herself healed from an autoimmune condition and severe acne. Photo: Sonam Uttamchandani

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Sarah Kalmeta is a career transition coach based in Hong Kong and the United States. Photo: Sarah Kalmeta

Alexandra Leung believes that visualisation techniques were what drew her partner, Kieran, to her. Photo: Jonathan Wong

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Amoy and Lee Kum Kee oyster sauces. The secret to cooking great Chinese food is the ready-made condiments, Andrew Sun writes.

Customers buy sauce at a supermarket in Fuyang, Anhui province, China. Condiments like these are the secret to good Chinese food, writes Andrew Sun. Photo: Getty Images

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Different varieties of soy sauce on a store shelf. Photo by: Universal Images Group via Getty Images

A collection of Amoy and Lee Kum Kee brand oyster sauces. Photo: SCMP

On European cruise, Southeast Asian dishes gave a break from the otherwise bland food

A bowl of pork adobo, a popular Filipino dish. Photo: Shutterstock

A bowl of pork adobo, a popular Filipino dish. The version on Andrew Sun’s cruise ship was excellent, as was its beef tapa and bicol express, and other Southeast Asian dishes, brightening up the otherwise bland fare on offer. Photo: Shutterstock

A Lido Restaurant buffet on the Lido Deck of a Carnival Cruise ship. Photo: Carnival Cruise

A cruise ship moors at a port in the Eyjafjördur fiord in Iceland. Photo: DPA/Picture Alliance via Getty Images

With Southeast Asian restaurant staff a common feature on cruise ships, it is perhaps to be expected that dishes from their cuisines can be the best on board. Photo: Universal Images Group via Getty Images

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As the non-Chinese partner in a mixed-race relationship, how do you navigate the family dinner table? It is certainly a balancing act


Family dinners can be a minefield for the non-Chinese partner in a relationship. Should you wish to ingratiate yourself with your potential (or actual) in-laws, read this advice carefully …


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Opinion | Chinese family dinner 101: non-Chinese partners, here’s how to avoid offending the in-laws

As the non-Chinese partner in a mixed-race relationship, how do you navigate the family dinner table? It is certainly a balancing act