Asking for a Friend: Help! How can I stop being so jealous of my classmate?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a teen who is so envious of another student that they can’t even be friends anymore
Jealousy is a normal emotion, but you can’t let it keep you from living your life. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I’m constantly envious of my classmate’s achievements, like being the leader of a school club and the top student in almost every subject. I’ve never told him about it, and I thought I could overcome it by trying to be happy for him, but my jealousy continues to fester. It gets worse every time someone praises him for his achievements. We used to be friends, but now we’re only acquaintances who hardly speak because I avoid talking to him. What should I do?
Sincerely, Jealous
Help! How do I get my parents to stop comparing me to other people?
Dear Jealous,
It takes a lot of courage to admit you are jealous of someone, and it is a very good self-reflection skill to have! Thank you for sharing with us; many kids with big goals feel the same way as you.
It must be hard to see someone else achieve the things you want for yourself. Not only are you feeling envious, but you must also be feeling disappointed and discouraged. It totally sucks.
Our feelings are not always logical, reasonable, or rational, but we all have them, and they are raw and real. It is OK to feel them. It sounds like you tried hard to think positively and be happy for the person, but sometimes it’s just too much.
Forcing yourself to be happy for someone doesn’t necessarily convince your brain to genuinely do it until you recognise and validate all your other feelings. So how do we do that? First, we have to look inside ourselves and ask a few questions:
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What do you say to yourself when you are not first?
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Who and what forces make you feel this way?
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Are you afraid of someone else’s judgment, or are you judging yourself?
Some kids say they fear being seen as inferior or teased about not being first, while others say their sense of worthiness is linked to their achievements. If these scenarios apply to you, consider re-evaluating whether this is something worth investing your time in and worrying about.
I’m jealous of my best friend’s new boyfriend. What should I do?
What do you think jealousy’s goal is for you? Some might answer that its best intentions are to make you do better. However, does it actually make you work harder, or does it just make you feel miserable? If that is the case, then jealousy is tricking you into believing it is an important part of your life.
Jealousy even prevents you from having a potentially fruitful friendship and missing out on opportunities for the two of you to be teammates and work together. I can’t imagine you being OK with it affecting you this way!
So, what can you do? What do you prefer to feel instead? Others who struggle with jealous feelings shift their focus to comparing themselves to someone more measurable. Who might that be? That person is you, your old self.
I’m always worried and jealous – what can I do to get over these negative feelings?
How can you do better than before? Beating yourself is a much better strategy than beating others who might not be in your life later. There will always be people who do better than us, but there will be days that you come out on top as well.
Focus your energy on yourself. Simon Sinek, an author and inspirational speaker, explained how Apple is always on top because they do not focus on beating others. Instead, they focus on beating their own products and doing better than before. If this is how success is built, then it’s best to channel our efforts into beating someone more worth your time – your old self.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Katie Leung Pui-yan, a practicising child and family therapist and partner at TherapyPartners.