Asking for a Friend: Help! I’m too possessive of my friends when I introduce them to new people. What should I do?

Sincerely, Jealous

My best friend has a different best friend – what should I do?

Dear Someone,

Thank you for reaching out to us. It is encouraging that you have reflected on your thoughts and realised that feeling possessive and jealous of your friends isn’t healthy. It can be harmful to your mental health and hurt your relationships if you don’t manage these emotions, so here is some insight we hope can help:

Trying to suppress negative emotions doesn’t work because they manifest themselves in other ways, even physically. Jealousy is common in relationships, so take some time to accept your feelings. This doesn’t mean accepting that you can’t change them; just acknowledge that you are a human being feeling these emotions.

Jealousy and possessiveness are two different things that often go together; jealousy is an emotion, while possessiveness is a behaviour. Possessiveness is closely related to psychological struggles like admiration, insecurity, fear of abandonment, jealousy, anger, hatred, and disappointment.

Some may fear that their friends will prefer new acquaintances and replace them or that the relationship will become less important. They may be hostile to others as a way to suppress potential threats.

What triggers these feelings of possessiveness? How long do these emotions stay with you, and do they physically affect you in any way?

Help! I get jealous when my friend hangs out with their other friends

Since it sounds like you’re afraid of losing your friends, reassure yourself of your good qualities and what attracted your friends in the first place. This will boost your self-esteem and reduce the sense of threat.

Perhaps you are a great listener, or you always cheer your friends up when they are feeling down. Think about your memories with your friends and the bonds you have created. Try to reframe what it means when you introduce your friends to new people: now you can make more fun memories with more people! Healthy relationships are dynamic and grow over time, so be open-minded.

Have you spoken to your friends about your feelings? Communication is key in any relationship, so let them know you are struggling with conflicting thoughts and jealousy.

Ask for their understanding and support – this doesn’t mean asking them to give in to your behaviour, simply that you are telling them your struggles. Listen to your friends’ perspectives and concerns. They will likely reassure you that you have nothing to worry about, and sharing your emotions in such a genuine way can deepen your connection and help build trust.

Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend

Sincerity, trust, and mutual respect are fundamental for healthy, long-lasting relationships. If you want to learn more, try the links below.

• Student Health Service – Winning magic to friendship building

• YouthCan – What makes a good friend?

The question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.