On The Ball | How to handle jubilant Scousers after Liverpool’s Premier League win, by a Manchester United supporter
- A handy guide for easing the irritation caused by gloating Liverpool supporters as they celebrate a 19th league title
- Liverpool fans are expected to make their triumph particularly excruciating for fans of Man United, but still sit one behind United’s record 20 league titles
A wave of Scouse glee is imminent, and if you hear their attack warning, you and your family must take cover.
There will be little respite in forthcoming days. Those Manchester United fans who joked about flying to remote islands on the other side of the world to avoid continual scenes of Scouse success can, of course, no longer do that. Current restrictions mean no possible journeys to remote spots with no mobile phone signal, such as Tristan da Cunha, Rockall or Old Trafford on a match day.
You’re stuck at home and run the risk of a cry of “Gerrin, la!” from an errant neighbour. Even the dogs sound like they yap in a Scouse accents if you’re of a paranoid mind. “Woof” becomes “Rush” and a shrill bark sounds like ”Dijk, Dijk, Dijk, Van Dijk.”
Unplug the internet. Newspapers should be shredded from the back page inward. If you’re in the UK and can’t face switching off your TV for four weeks, turn your aerial so that you can only receive programmes in Welsh. Limit yourself to radio stations which only play music. Better still, those emitting only classical sounds since songs by the “Thes” of Beatles, Farm and La’s will inflict deep psychological damage. Beware, too, the Bunnymen, Cast, Shack or that “anthem” about pedaloes crossing a stream. Even songs from the most ardent Mancunians carry danger: “Mersey Paradise” by the Stone Roses or New Order’s cameo with John Barnes and Peter Beardsley.
