“Hang on, there ain’t no ‘f’ in tourists.”

“That’s right.”

Indeed, until very recently, Hong Kong was utterly devoid of effing tourists. However, now that the LeaveHomeSafe contact-tracing app malarkey has been consigned to where it belongs, those little cash cows are starting to come traipsing back.

But even with the barnstorming launch of the Tourism Board’s Hello Hong Kong campaign and the willy-nilly handout of freebie plane tickets, the city needs to up its game. Frankly speaking, Hong Kong’s old tourism chestnuts, such as trams and the Star Ferry, have a shelf life.

Some suggestions. First up, swings. Go to somewhere like Bali, and you’ll find just about any prominence with a half-decent panorama has got a swing stuck atop. It’s not so much about the dollars earned per ride as the free advertising that comes from the Instagram posts.

First-choice location would have to be about halfway around Lugard Road on Victoria Peak for that stupendous alpine/maritime/metropolitan cocktail. Killjoys can keep their health-and-safety concerns to themselves.

Second: bridge climbs. It took entrepreneur Paul Cave 10 years to sidestep the naysayers and their reels of red tape and set up the Sydney Harbour BridgeClimb; it’s now one of Australia’s top attractions, and deservedly so.

Hong Kong has got a number of potentially suitable structures (Tsing Ma Bridge, Stonecutters Bridge) for a similar endeavour. If the government is planning to build any more, perhaps “climbability” could be added to the initial specifications.

Third: our country parks are fab – we need to make them fabber. App-linked hostels with the bare-bones necessities (running water, loos, bunks) for out-of-the-way overnight stays would be a logical first step.

Fourth, Mr Hung has been advertising his rickshaws by the Man Yiu Street roundabout in Central for donkey’s years. Like junks, they’re a form of transport that simply trumpets “Hong Kong”. Let’s give their visibility a boost.

Forget that “colonial” rubbish – they’re eco-friendly, photogenic, fun and tailor-made for a sightseeing trip around The Peak, through Victoria Park or along the harbourfront. Similar jaunts are on offer in Penang, Macau, Singapore – even London.

And before anyone says anything, Hong Kong is not so crowded that it can’t accommodate a mobile armchair or two.

I’m running out of space. Hong Kong’s reputation on the tourist circuit has taken a pummelling. We need to add some value. Pronto.