US humorist David Sedaris talks about why he doesn't like Chinese food and what it takes to become a writer

WI decided one day, while riding my bicycle in Raleigh, North Carolina, when I was 25. I was riding my bike and I said it out loud to myself, because it's hard to announce an ambition. Even to yourself, right? Because if you say to yourself, "I'm going to be a writer", and then you don't become a writer, then you've failed. But if you've never said it, even to yourself, then there's nothing at stake. When I said, "I'm going to be a writer," I never meant, "I am going to write books", that was never a part of it to me. There's a difference between writing and publishing. What I meant was that I am going to become more serious; that this is going to be what my entire life is going to be about.
 

Often I'll go on tour and meet people and they give me a story and they'll say, "I want to get this published." And I'll say, "Well, first off, you're 21. Why would anyone publish anything you've written when you're 21?" It's always kind of the same when somebody comes up and they give you something they've written and they want you to help them get published; it's never very good. It just never is. In my experience, it's all been on the same level. A first draft, that's what it reads like. I don't have any patience with people who aren't going to do the work and then they expect these things to happen.
 

Any kind of an artistic career is a little bit different. I went to art school and the teacher had us go around the room and say something about ourselves, and there was this guy and he said, "My name is John and I'm an artist." And I thought, "No you're not!" It's one thing to say, "My name is John and I paint." That's different. Let the world call you an artist when the time is right. I mean, I always have to fill out this immigration form whenever I come back into England (where Sedaris lives) and I have to list my occupation, so I put "typist" on it for years and years. And then I had an immigration guy who said, "Give me a break." So I thought, "OK, I guess that's obnoxious." By that point I'd already written three books. So now I list my occupation as "writer". But I waited until the world called me that before I called myself that.
 

I really enjoy reading my writing out loud. I'm working on a story right now and while I'm writing it, I am thinking about reading it out loud. With that in mind you add dialogue because you think, "If I were to read a story that was eight pages long that did not have a single line of dialogue in it, that's going to be really boring to an audience." Or if I read a story that's eight pages long and it takes place in a single room, or a story in which none of the characters have names … It's one thing to read it on a page but if you're going to read it out loud, then it's kind of your responsibility to entertain. So you have to think of what you're writing as entertainment and you have to give it the qualities of entertainment.
 

I don't like Chinese food. I never liked Chinese food. I could have Chinese food in London tomorrow, I probably wouldn't like it. I can have Chinese food in China, I can have Chinese food in Hong Kong, I just don't like it. There are a lot of people who don't like Japanese food, they just don't like it, and there are other people who don't like Indian food. I think that's fine. I lived in France for a number of years. How often do you think I had to hear people say bad things about American food? China is not like the Philippines, you know what I mean? It's not a downtrodden, neglected country. It's a world power. I mean you've got to get some thicker skin, I mean, my God!
 

I know plenty of people who have been to China and they came back and they said, "Oh, you've got to go to China, it was so crowded," or, "You've got to go to China, it was so full of life." Well, that's what they have an eye for, you know. And what I have an eye for are human turds, and people spitting and I also have an eye for human deformities and I have an eye for rubbish. That's one thing I noticed a lot. So everybody's got their own thing that they notice. That's just what I notice in this world and I noticed a lot of people sh***ing. You can't not notice it. I mean, who can tell me that it doesn't happen, you know what I mean? And I guess you could say it's a cultural thing, who are you to pass judgment and you're not allowed to say that anything is bad; all you're allowed to say is that it's different. OK fine, it's really different to spit on the floor of a restaurant. I'm sorry, but you can't fault me for noticing.