Why men don’t express grief but feel physical pain instead, and how to get them to open up

Unlike women, men can go into shock that ‘really paralyses them’, says a grief counsellor. He suggests ways they can let their grief out

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What men struggle with most while grieving is the feeling of powerlessness that always follows the loss of a loved one. Photo: Shutterstock

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Published: 6:15pm, 2 Dec 2024

There is no “right” way or “wrong” way to grieve over the death of a loved one.

For some women, it helps to talk about it for hours. For men dealing with the shock and grief of losing a loved one, the pain often manifests itself differently.

“The effects of grief vary greatly and aren’t gender-specific,” says grief counsellor and author Thomas Achenbach. Nevertheless, he has found that the sexes often differ in how they deal with grief and has even written a book on the subject – its German title translates as “Men Grieve Differently”.

“Many men go into a kind of shock that in their case can be massive. It really paralyses them,” Achenbach says. It is also harder to reach out to them than women – not only because they hardly ever join a support group, but also because it is difficult for them to open up in conversations at first.

Men grieve in secret, Thomas Achenbach says. They do not talk much about their feelings. Photo: Shutterstock

What they struggle with most, he says, is the feeling of powerlessness that always follows the loss of a loved one, “the feeling as if they’re being pressed to the ground, helpless, and unable to do anything about it”.