bodyType

customContents

entityId

entityUuid

articlePageQuery

filter

article

articleBaseAdvertisingInfoArticle

articleListArticle

articleSeoArticle

helpersCheckIsPostiesArticle

hooksArticleAcknowledgementGateOverlayArticle

hooksTrackPageViewArticle

hooksContentInterestArticle

articleLinkingDataContent

hooksAmpRedirectArticle

articleSchemaContent

liveArticle

advertZone

sentiment

contentLock

topics

types

sections

paywallTypes

createdDate

publishedDate

moreOnThisArticles

urlAlias

commentCount

authorLocations

authors

corrections

sponsorType

displaySlideShow

multimediaEmbed

printHeadline

seriesContainer

socialHeadline

headline

flag

firstTopic

glossary

flattenTypeIds

additionalInfoBoxes

quizIds

images

image

relatedLinks

relatedNewsletters

__typename

sponsor

pdfFiles

seriesReverseOrder

series

disableOffPlatformContent

published

updatedDate

summary

subHeadline

body

keywords

readingTime

customTimezone

liveContents

Couples often like to hang out with other couples. Whether you meet once a week to play cards or go on holidays together, for many people, their partnership and circle of friends are intertwined.
But when their partner dies, many suddenly notice that their mutual friends are no longer inviting them over. Women especially tend to find themselves excluded by their couple friends after their partner’s death.
“Men are more likely to be pitied, comforted and invited to dinner. However, when women lose a partner, their close circle of friends often withdraws,” says grief therapist and author Roland Kachler.
Couples in particular keep their distance. “A single woman is often perceived as a threat to existing couples,” he says.

Men rarely experience such a “secondary loss” – losing their couple friends after having lost their partner.
“Men are not perceived as a great risk to a relationship because people believe they are more likely to find a new partner,” says Kachler. Such beliefs are often grounded in statistics which indicate a surplus of widowed and single women aged around 60, according to the therapist.
Carmen Birkholz, who chairs Germany’s federal association for grief support, is also familiar with such reactions. While they do not matter as much in the first weeks after a death, the phase of acute grief, “that changes later on, when the widows are less fragile and regain their self-confidence”, she says.
In her experience, friends are less likely to reject you after your partner’s death if you have spent time with them individually before, and not just as part of a couple.
After a loss, friends sometimes also turn their backs on you for another reason. “Generally speaking, people tend to grieve longer than those around them can endure,” says Birkholz.

That can lead to your friends feeling the need to tell you that, “Nothing has changed, everything is the same. You are still one of us”!
At first, it might feel good to hear that. But it overlooks the fact that a bereaved person is experiencing enormous change. Everything is different after losing a partner. Things simply cannot stay the same.
So what can you do if you notice that your mutual friends are suddenly avoiding you?
“You have to be realistic about it,” says Kachler. Do not try to force or expect anything. “Allow this process to unfold and learn to understand that this is going to happen.”
After your partner’s death, a mutual circle of friends will inevitably change, according to the therapist.

Some may turn away, while others may be able to handle the situation better. Good friends will stand by their bereaved friend, Kachler says.
Being a good friend to a grieving person doesn’t mean telling them, “If you need something, just get in touch”.
A mourning person usually will not take the initiative as they lack energy to ask for help, Kachler says. Plus they often do not want to burden anyone.
In the worst case, that can lead to the bereaved person becoming increasingly isolated: they do not reach out to others while their friends are waiting for them to get in touch.
Under no circumstances should you pressure your friends to stay in touch, however, Kachler says. “If you have called several times and got no reaction, then don’t make yourself small or wait and keep hoping. That won’t lead to anything.”

Some people even find consciously withdrawing from other couples for a while helps them to heal, says Birkholz, especially as you may need time to come to terms with your emotions and your identity shift from half of a couple to single.
Being surrounded by couples can be hurtful after losing a partner because “you are no longer part of a couple yourself”, she says.
Your friends might find this hard to understand, but telling them “you can’t understand, you still have your husband” will not help, according to Birkholz.
So sometimes taking a step back and focusing on other people instead is the better option.
Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here.


How to take a shower, with tips on soap, oils and exfoliation to avoid damaging your skin

How a woman bodybuilder’s brutal mugging inspired her to another physical level

How tests that detect cancer DNA fragments in blood can kickstart earlier treatment

Why drinking beer, especially in summer, raises gout risk – even if it’s ‘alcohol-free’

Wellness

Are you grieving the loss of your partner alone? Experts explain why friends aren’t calling

When a partner dies, friends may behave differently, with some couples staying away or withdrawing from the bereaved. Experts explain this, and why it affects widows more. Photo: Shutterstock

Women especially tend to find themselves excluded by their couple friends after their partner’s death. Photo: Shutterstock

Men are more likely than women to be pitied and comforted by mutual friends after the loss of a partner. Photo: Shutterstock

Good friends will stand by their bereaved friend, says grief therapist and author Roland Kachler. Photo: Shutterstock

After your partner’s death, your circle of friends will inevitably change, often leaving you feeling isolated. Photo: Shutterstock

How to live to 100 and beyond: blue zones’ healthy longevity secrets spread to new places

Buettner with 102-year-old Jose Bonifacio, a cowboy in Nicoya, Costa Rica, who still rides his horse every morning. Photo: David McLain

Dan Buettner with a 93-year-old Greek Orthodox priest on the Aegean island of Ikaria, in Greece. There are no magic solutions to long life, says Buettner, who coined the term ‘blue zones’ for communities with healthy centenarians. Photo: David McLain

Dan Buettner speaks with 101-year-old Maria Roberta in Nicoya, Costa Rica. Photo: David McLain

100-year-old Marge Jetton does some strength training in Loma Linda, California. Photo: David McLain

Buettner has a bowl of butternut squash soup with a centenarian in Nicoya, Costa Rica. Photo: David McLain

Almost all Okinawan centenarians grow or used to grow a garden, providing daily physical activity that can help reduce stress and boost mood – and a regular source of fresh vegetables. Photo: David McLain 

In Blue Zones project cities in North America, small changes make big differences, such as creating a “walking school bus” – a group of children who walk to school with one or more adults – to curb childhood obesity. Photo: Shutterstock 

Wim Hof Method: how cold water therapy and breathing exercises help a widow control her grief, build resilience and give her ‘a massive high’

Heather Ashley during training in Poland to become a Wim Hof instructor. She says that cold water therapy, breathing exercises and meditation helped her build resistance after the sudden death of her husband. Photo: Courtesy of Heather Ashley

Heather Ashley’s last picture with her husband David before he died in Italy in March 2022. Photo: Courtesy of Heather Ashley

Ashley’s Wim Hof coaching training group takes a dip in ice-cold water in Poland. Photo: Courtesy of Heather Ashley 

 Ashley during training in Poland to become a Wim Hof instructor. Photo: Courtesy of Heather Ashley 

Powerlifting helped her overcome grief. Now she dead lifts 100kg and wants other women to know about building inner strength

Poorna Bell getting ready to perform a squat. Photo: Aline Aronsky

Poorna Bell, a London-based journalist and author, took up weight training after her husband died from suicide in 2015. Her new book, Stronger, examines physical strength and empowerment through interviews with women from different backgrounds. Photo: Aline Aronsky

Just two years ago, Poorna Bell was more than a little intimidated at the thought of powerlifting. Photo: Aline Aronsky

London-based journalist and author Poorna Bell took up weight training after her husband, Rob, died in 2015. Photo: Instagram/@poornabell

Lifting a personal best became a way for Bell to counter self-doubt and deal with “impostor syndrome”. Photo: Instagram/@poornabell

Bell is now a competitive powerlifter. Photo: Aline Aronsky

The cover of Bell’s book.

A Light Never Goes Out movie review: Hong Kong’s last neon signs are the stars of this gentle story of loss, anchored by Sylvia Chang as a grieving widow

Sylvia Chang in a still from A Light Never Goes Out.

Taiwanese actress Sylvia Chang in a still from A Light Never Goes Out (category IIB; Cantonese), directed by Anastasia Tsang and co-starring Henick Chou. The film serves as a love letter to Hong Kong’s tradition of neon sign making.

Cecilia Choi (left) and Sylvia Chang in a still from A Light Never Goes Out.

Henick Chou (left) and Simon Yam in a still from A Light Never Goes Out.

‘Only autumn left in her life’: millions moved by decade-worth of posthumous love letters grieving wife wrote to dead husband on fallen leaves

Millions on mainland social media have been touched by the story of a grieving Chinese wife who wrote love letters to her dead husband on dried autumn gingko leaves. Photo: SCMP composite/Baidu

The story of a grieving Chinese wife’s love letters to her dead husband written on dried autumn gingko leaves has moved millions on mainland social media. Photo: SCMP composite/Baidu

The daughter carefully arranged the leaves on a window ledge and posted a video of them online which has been viewed by millions of people. Photo: Baidu

The last of the leaf love notes was written in 2021 by the grieving wife. Photo: Baidu

Lifestyle

Health & Wellness

Health

Family & Relationships

When a spouse or partner dies, long-time mutual friends may withdraw, especially from a woman, who may grieve longer than they can endure


When a partner dies, friends may behave differently, with some staying away or withdrawing from the bereaved. Experts explain why, and the reasons it happens more often to widows.


Ageing society

How to age well

Mental health

5050