How to help toddlers overcome fear of bedtime
About six months ago, our four-year-old daughter began complaining of being afraid to be alone at bedtime. She told us she was afraid of monsters in her closet and under her bed. We were unable to convince her otherwise. In fact, the more we talked to her, the more her fears grew to the point where she was becoming nearly hysterical at bedtime.
I have no way of knowing your daughter's emotional status, but a "deep-seated insecurity" is unlikely given that she functions well except at bedtime. I doubt she's being manipulative, either. Children this age really don't possess the level of cunning and social intelligence necessary to purposefully manipulate people. It may seem at times as if they are, but appearance - in this case, your daughter appears to have "manipulated" you into staying with her at bedtime - and actuality are two different things. The sudden advent of random fears - especially various bedtime fears - is fairly common to children this age. Most of the kids in question are otherwise well-adjusted, as seems the case with your child.
Paradoxically, the more parents try to talk a child out of being afraid of something unreal such as monsters in the closet, the worse the fear becomes.
In a preschooler, the power of the irrational in combination with the power of imagination is stronger than the power of reason. My first suggestion is that you abandon all such efforts. The quality of your explanations doesn't matter; your best words won't work.
My second suggestion is that you continue to remain with your daughter until she falls asleep but that you impose a penalty on her for the pleasure of your company. Tell her you've learned that children who are afraid at bedtime need more sleep, meaning they need much earlier bedtimes.
So if she wants you to stay with her at bedtime, she must go to bed right after supper the following night. On that following night, if she again wants you to stay with her, do so, but remind her that her bedtime the next night will have to be right after supper because she obviously still needs more sleep. And so on.
