Opinion | Helping your child to build resilience during a city-wide pandemic crisis: a guide for parents

Contributed by Anne Sawyer, Founder of International Montessori School (IMS)

Our main job as parents is to provide emotional and physical safety for our children. In order to create that safe space, we need to practise self care ourselves - along the lines of putting the oxygen mask on myself first during an airplane emergency before helping another. Of course, I always wonder… which child should I help first?

And that’s where we are with Covid. All of us are at the mercy of a completely uncontrollable situation, which is affecting all of our key relationships. We feel isolated from our support networks, yet possibly have “too much togetherness” with our children. At the same time, many families are facing extreme financial pressures. The added stress of online learning means that parents are being asked to homeschool their children - while trying to hold down full time jobs despite all the new challenges created by the pandemic. 

(Years ago, I considered homeschooling my children - for about 30 seconds! That was the birth of the idea to start IMS, which built a positive community of families intent on providing our kids with a safe space to try and fail and try again.)

So how do parents support your children’s emotional needs? Focus on the things you can do:

• Self-care for parents! While it’s true that, “this too shall pass”, in the meantime the situation is traumatic for all involved. Every family is affected by loss, and the enforced distance from ageing or vulnerable loved ones - and from friends - is extremely distressing. It’s a recipe for high stress. Your child’s positive mental health is dependent on yours, especially the mother. At the same time, roles and responsibilities within the family may have shifted dramatically as one or more parents are working  from home. The best thing you can do as a parent to benefit your child’s emotional health is to take time to focus on your own wellbeing. Create a fixed time in the day for yourself, and ask other family members to take over as captain of the house. And do the same for your partner too; we are all in this together!
• Talk with your children about their emotions. Children who learn to process their emotions safely are better able to deal with challenges when they inevitably arise. One of the most valuable resources I had as a parent and as an educator was Parent Effectiveness Training (by Gordon Parenting; see footnotes) and the Guidance Approach to Parenting. These are wonderful, workshop-based training courses which helped me not be afraid of my children’s negative emotions - and gave me real tools to help them help themselves to navigate their emotions. Taking a parenting course like this counts as self-care - it helps you understand your own boundaries. It’s also a great way to build your own support system with other like-minded parents - even if it’s online for a time. 
• Take time for gratitude. Sharing our appreciation for things we are thankful for shifts our attention to the positive and enhances wellbeing. This can be a gratitude list in a personal journal, or sharing during your family meal, or even making a game of it and trying to guess what’s on another person's list. Make a gift of a lovely diary to record your thoughts - to yourself or another loved one.
• Find fun opportunities to take risks & be creative. Develop a hobby, as a family and individually.  Try doing something you really like together with your child. Get outside and move your bodies - safely. Find an online kids yoga course if you can't. Create a never before-seen instrument - and play it. Try family improv and see what your kids think is funny. Play board games. Cook new recipes together. Having fun  builds resilience too! 
• Celebrate your child’s - and your own - willingness to try new things! Habits are formed by positive feedback, so keep noticing the good things.
• Keep up with your social networks. Even as we are physically separated, find ways to connect in other ways. Video calls with family aren’t really “screentime” in the same way as a video game. We all need to see our loved ones.