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Tom Hilditch

WE READ THE TABLOIDS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

THE STORY SO FAR

It was bubble-bursting time this week as several of Cantoland's bloated celebs fell foul in embarrassing accidents. For the stars it is a prompt to check the insurance and call in the fung shui man. For us civilians, it is a reminder that there is nothing more fun than seeing the pompous take a tumble.

FRIDAY

Ouch! Moustached crooner George Lam Chi-cheung, a guest at Lisa Wang Ming-chuen's Coliseum concert, is midway through a stirring rendition of the popular kung fu anthem Men Must Be Strong when he minces head-first into a stage-lift hole, falls three metres and badly bangs his head. We mustn't laugh because Lam may need a brain operation to fix the damage, says Three Weekly. Nonetheless, Hong Kong's resourceful media manage to find excuses to replay the accident endlessly, the best being Express Weekly's contention that the accident occurred because 'George Lam has too many wood characters in his name'.

SATURDAY

More accidents, more bubbles burst: singers Andy Hui Chi-on and Leung Ho-yin release hundreds of little birds at Amoy Gardens as part of a pop concert to support Sars-struck residents. Unfortunately the little birds - excited to be free or perhaps nervous of the media cameras - showered the Canto pair with droppings. Hui, who has to wash his hair, is furious, while Leung takes a more pragmatic view. 'It's good luck in some countries,' he points out.

Ouch! On the way to visit Lam in hospital, beauty queen Lisa Kwan Suk-wah and her boyfriend (who is driving) accidentally run the car over the foot of a reporter. Police breath test the boyfriend and release him without charge.

MONDAY

The week's other big plunge to earth provokes even more merrymaking. The house arrest of Shanghai tycoon Chau Ching-ngai and his socialite wife Mo Yuk-ping (who is on $10-million ICAC bail) is reported to delight actress Kristy Yeung Kung-yu. According to Next magazine, Yeung is so pleased she throws a party at a private club in Happy Valley. Her delight, of course, is not related to the fact she was recently rumoured to have been dumped by the tycoon. Nor is it related to an occasion last year when, after reportedly asking the tycoon to buy her a $10-million apartment, Mo tracked Yeung down to Cova Coffee shop, hissed 'Don't even think about it', and slapped the beauty queen in the face hard with a very bejewelled hand.

Two of the city's 'falling stars' show very different approaches to their difficulties. Rain Li Choi-wah, the pragmatic Canto-pop singer who has been trying to cover her father's $1 million-plus stock market debts, is spotted by Express Weekly selling her old handbags at Causeway Bay's Milan Station.

Teresa Cheung Siu-wai, meanwhile, struggling with $250 million in debts and the imminent closure of her boutique, pursues a different approach. Three Weekly follows the former Mrs Kenny Bee on a bout of 'retail therapy' and snap her apparently dropping $7,000 on a Prada handbag.

TUESDAY

Pop singer and awful driver Nicholas Tse Ting-fung, perhaps mindful of his own embarrassing fall two weeks ago when a table he was standing on to wave at fans collapsed, is reported by Apple Daily to say he has insured his penis for $10 million. Things have not been going well for Tse lately. Next magazine reveals his advertising fees have plummeted from $1 million to $300,000 and his pop handler, Emperor Entertainment Group (EEG), is also offering his services as part of a 'three-pack deal' including EEG singers Yumiko and Joey Yung Cho-yee.

Tse's car is doing better, though. Express Weekly reveals the $1-million Audi Tse crashed spectacularly last year has been reborn. The crumpled wreck was sold for $150,000 to a dealer, who having spent $100,000 restoring it, has now sold it to a 'Nicholas Tse fan' for $600,000.

So how should Hong Kong celebrities protect themselves against danger in these calamitous times? Brenda and Kai-bong Chau - Hong Kong's most enduring couple - have the answer, says Express Weekly. 'The couple have great fung shui,' reports the magazine. In a picture special, they reveal the couple have brass lions to watch over them and whereas most of Hong Kong's super-rich have signs saying 'this property is protected by guard dogs', the golden gates of the Villa d'Oro have a big sign reading: 'This house is protected by five fung shui dragons.'

WEDNESDAY

A Shenzhen student has come up with an ingenious method of beating the recession. Hong So-cheung, 20, who has been unemployed since Sars broke out and needs to raise cash for his university studies, stands in the Shenzhen streets with a sign on his back saying: '$10 to slap me on the butt.' According to Next magazine he is raking it in. If only some of our Canto-pop stars offered the same service.



FANTASY ISLAND